The Tight Underwear

12 Sep

soprano boxers 2

My new underwear is too tightIf I wear the waistband low it will cut off my femoral arteriesOr the veins that crawl over my hipbonesIt will cut off my blood supplyI’ll have to get limbs amputatedI will be retarded.

If I wear them high, whatThey make me know how fat I amI have a fucking six pack and I’m fatNeed to throw out this candyI have a girl now who leaves chocolate hereShe doesn’t eat it herselfShe leaves it here for me to eatShe wants me to be fatI can feel the elastic pinch in to the bicycle tire size ring of flab on my bellyIt will leave a red imprint around my gutsTake six weeks to recede.

It’s a delicate balanceFor my body to be genuinely ripped my face has to be so skinny that my eyes sit in deep black pitsEyeballs themselves beginning to wrinkle like grapes that fell off the bunch and sat in the bottom of the bag as the grapes got so old they went on sale for 39 cents a poundFat gut fat face, I can feel itMy new underwear I was so excited aboutNice colorsNice patternsThey will crucially cradle my balls which have hurt latelyThis is what I thoughtWhatever connects my nuts to the rest of me has hurt like a gremlin is gently tugging down on itTweaking the nut meat and a fingerful of sac down and down toward the earth so I tangle them in my ankles when I walk nakedI was watchingThe Sopranos.Tony returns from the toilet in hiscomare’shouse just before she’s set on fire cooking Egg Beaters and TabascoHe wears boxersHow can this man older than me let his nuts hang free like thisDo other men, even fat guys who lurch around, whose big thick fat legs just bruise and batter the sac–do other men have small tight balls.

Anyway I bought this underwear to support my balls100% cotton tooThe “microfiber” blends make my sac stink like an old ladyI was excited about the new underwear; they were buy two get one free; the cashier was cute young and Asian and I got to ask her where the men’s underwear was which made her think about me in itDoubtless picturing a much thicker imaginary version of my schlongAnd when she checked me out the credit card machine said LEAVE CARD INSERTED, which made me think: I’d like to leave my COCK inserted–in YOUAnd then I laughed all the way back to my car thinking of this.

Every fucking thing, an appointment in SamarraI can feel it alreadyNo blood in my fingersI feel lightheadedPuny dry brain rattling in its high school gym size skull, smacking against the sidesDistorting my memoriesMy prefrontal cortex intact of courseThat which enables me to plan, function and workGod forbid I should become an impulsive animal who just steals and rapesGuts twistedJesus ChristShould I return the other two for a large.

9 Responses to “The Tight Underwear”

  1. fanci24 September 13, 2018 at 10:37 am #

    Must be the microfiber brandYou’ve got the six pak abs & ball sak ..reminds me of David Beckham in fuckthenfl bowl commercial…that man wore his boxers wellSo before you size up, how’s your ass look in those unders?

  2. J.B September 13, 2018 at 1:15 pm #

    I thought you were dead compadre.

  3. V O L T A I C C September 13, 2018 at 11:11 pm #

    “She leaves it here for me to eatShe wants me to be fat.” She leaves it because women are legit unhinged and the act of feeding squeezes a quarter droplet of oxytocin into their pea brainsHeed Patrice’s words and throw away anything a woman leaves at your place.

    Also avoid MeUndies, their natural fiber really gets the precum oozing, but the waistband, even 2 sizes up, makes me feel like my thighs are suffocating or somethingAny synthetic fibers feel like wearing saran wrap.

  4. small minds discuss people September 14, 2018 at 2:43 pm #

    Yeah, some guys are like two plums in one of those little no-show microfiber socksSome are more like a couple of pears in one of those huge striped socks all the dads used to haveIn my experience the tighter ones enjoy being played with more & pendulous ballsacks belong to neurotics.

  5. You All Missed The Point September 14, 2018 at 9:10 pm #

    This is a thinly veiled social comment on the conditions in Uruguayan sweatshops & the effect on the Western consumerWell done, sir.

  6. D W September 18, 2018 at 4:10 pm #

    An “Appointment in Samarra” referenceTacos, you never cease to amaze meNice work.

  7. hctiB September 20, 2018 at 3:33 am #

    toggaf a llits era uoy

  8. Anonymous October 9, 2018 at 7:22 pm #

    Almost a monthRIP DT

  9. smol October 24, 2018 at 7:48 pm #

    Have you tried Duluth Trading Company’s Buck Naked underoos? I’m told that they’re (a) comfortable and (b) won’t make your nuts smell weirdBIFL kind of item.

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