Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

23 Mar

(如果你喜欢这个狗屎,check out my bookHot Naked Tits.)

Right now,your mom is masturbating to a dirty bookabout a guy who duct tapes a young girl to a chair,blindfolds her,gags her,打败了她,then pulls a tampon out of her cooch and fucks her period pussy before spraying hot,salty jizz all over her face.  With his huge cock.  His huge,huge cock.  So huge that she is scared of it,your mom in character as this 21 year old girl.她在弹中年豆子的时候假装的那个女孩比你小。她比你妹妹小。她比你小四岁,那时你妈妈在洗衣服的时候发现一包偷来的维吉尼亚泥在你身上揉成一团,你妈妈会很害怕的。

Right now your mom is pretending to be a girl who literally just turned old enough to drink,who meets a notorious but reclusive billionaire "industrialist" who made huge sums of money in the way that women think "industrialists" make money,which is: they don't know,so he just owns a bunch of factories where things are made by hand right here in the good old U S of A and a bunch of farms where man and beast alike are treated ethically and humanely.  When asked about his massive hoard of non-inherited money bootstrapped from nothing with the sweat of his brow the man,who is under thirty,speaks of how he "knows people" and the key is his forty thousand employees,all of whom he has hand-selected and pays what they're worth and listens to their ideas and etc.,even though his army of hot young blonde secretaries are terrified of him.  The girl had to interview him for the school paper when her cub journalist roommate got sick,and then he tracked her down and made the girl his fuckslave.

This is what your middle aged suburban mom likes to think about when she pulls her Rabbit™,这是一个比一般人造阴茎大的亮紫色,沿着阴茎轴旋转着珍珠状的轴承,还有一个阴蒂刺激器,形状像同名动物,当你55岁的母亲大概超重了,她几十年来没有梳理过她的盐和胡椒阴部,看起来像是1982年杰瑞·加尔克的头皮。当你父亲在体育中心前昏倒后,她把这台洗衣机从洗碗机里拿出来时,我把它粘在胯部。when she unbuttons the top few buttons of her generously cut Walmart® Faded Glory™ jeans and teases the top of her mons pubis slightly with the tip of her index finger,she is beginning to think about this steely-eyed,young,她是宇宙中最性感的男主人,moist universe.She is thinking about being a lithe virginal 21 year old whose pussy tastes like butterscotch,她的后颈被Vulcan Death握紧,她的脸被逼进靠近窒息点的枕头里,而她的手腕被胶带绑在背后,这个男人长得和罗伯特·帕丁森一模一样,since the story originated as TWILIGHT fan fiction— this man purchased right in front of her,就个人而言,at the hardware store where she had part time employment in her college town.  He made a special trip and carved time out of his billionaire's day to travel to her small community and purchase the accoutrements of brutal sexual bondage at the quaint mom and pop Tru Value where she earns $7.50 an hour,so as to communicate in a menacing but alluring manner that this accidental substitute cub reporter for the college newspaper was his desired catamite.

So she is thinking about being quasi-forcibly penetrated with this man's impossibly generous and perfectly complected cock,your mom.  A cock which is stretching her 21 year old butterscotch tasting pussy that even though said pussy has drunk deeply of this same member on a few prior occasions,this bone-white and rigid member is so impossibly huge that it still manages to push her open and stretch and sting.And yet somehow it miraculously fits,inside your mom.  Who had hoped to have a sort of luxurious drawn out teasing period with the tip of her index finger on her mons pubis and outer labia before going whole hog with the Rabbit™ but the thought of his hot breath on her neck as he leaned on her and pushed her gagged face into the mattress was just too hot and she just plunged the whirring churning rotating rabbit inside her right up to the hilt and came instantly like a volcano;she couldn't help herself.  Your mom.

So in conclusion: five stars.

49 Responses to "Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James"

  1. Abaddon April 2,2012在下午5:01 #

    This was the best part:

    who made huge sums of money in the way that women think "industrialists" make money,which is: they don't know,so he just owns a bunch of factories where things are made by hand right here in the good old U S of A and a bunch of farms where man and beast alike are treated ethically and humanely.

    And that he made it himself and all under 30.作者不想说“互联网亿万富翁”,因为扎克伯格不是真正的阿尔法材料。

    Hilarious analysis…still struggling to get the visual of a fat 55 year old woman taking care of her business…

    • Miss Minnie 6月26日,2014 at 11:01 am #

      I see obese old people (sometimes old gay guys) reading this and pornographic "romance novels" on public transit all the time.
      AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!

    • E.Gann 2月12日,2015 at 6:28 pm #

      坦率地说,读者们并不真正关心克里斯蒂安·格雷是如何赚钱的。All the author needs to do is make it sound plausible.

      When movies and TV shows depict hacking,etc.it's often off-base,but it's just written to sound plausible to people who know nothing about hacking

  2. JayKay April 3,2012点:下午2点16分 #

    Just got an absolutely terrifying whiff of reality as it really is from reading that…

    Will never be the same again.

    Uh,thanks..?!

  3. collapseofman April 3,2012 at 7:17 pm #

    Genius

  4. WTF人 April 3,2012 at 8:43 pm #

    women actually enjoy reading this pile of convoluted shit?

  5. LBK 4月4日,2012 at 1:43 am #

    Do 55 year old women still think about sex?

    • Steve 2月16日,2013 at 11:51 am #

      dipshits I couldn't stop luanhigg.I'm sure if you show pics of Foxy on here we wouldn't say that.First thing I thought of with the picture is,哦,多可爱啊!她很平静。Sasha

  6. 狗万是不是万博 4月4日,2012 at 2:48 pm #

    到目前为止我最喜欢的反应是:

    http://likesbooks.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=10117&start=60

    米林写道:

    克里斯蒂娜:我不想争论这本书的优点(你甚至还没有读过)以及它对易受影响的年轻女孩可能产生的不良影响。

    我只想说我打开了你提供的一个男人对这本书的“评论”链接,我受到了创伤。I assure you that the book is not nearly as graphic as the language in this piece.事实上,你谴责这本书,但没有想到发布这个链接,这说明你的虚伪,而不是你在你的帖子中宣布的高道德标准。

    On behalf of all 50+ women,I am insulted by his description of this demographic.I am a 5'6″ size 6 woman wearing miniskirts when appropriate.There are women of all shapes and sizes but I don't see how this is a basis for ugly attacks by that ‘man' in the piece you posted the link to.

  7. Jenine@Handmade Jewelry Blog April 13,2012 at 1:40 pm #

    Ok,so I bought this book because it was on the top bestsellers list for so long.I wanted to see what all the "buzz" was about.

    This is not your typical boy meets girl let's date and fall in love romance.Christian wants to dominate Anastasia and he wants her submissive.He comes up with a contract that he wants her to sign.She's torn between her love for him and her fear of him.

  8. May 9,2012 at 10:33 pm #

    I laughed,I cringed,I think I'm having a heart attack.This review is like The Ring,I have to spread it along before I'm overcome with that image of "mom."

    That's so not right.

    • 满意的 June 24,2012点在凌晨1点15分 #

      That's the best review of a review,ever.

      • Idaho 2月17日,2013 at 12:37 am #

        HDMI是硬件设置,nothingto deal with postProductionbest way to work with SMU is to have AVI uncompresssed FileSMU is not an Editing video Progam,is a Keying+Virtual sets (sold separately) Post production systemfinally,你可以以你想要的最佳方式/质量记录任何东西,then have a simple and uncompressed avi files wich will be well handled by SMUof course,if you work in Hires,一定要有一台高级电脑,以便及时渲染。

      • El Cid April 20,2015 at 5:44 am #

        这个人很有写作天赋,and humour and imagination to match – I agree.

  9. 福斯特里克森 May 30,2012 at 2:32 pm #

    I can't stop laughing.Great post!

  10. EMRN June 10,2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Bitches be trippin.

  11. Anonymous June 17,2012 at 10:58 pm #

    拜托,stop saying "Your mom."

    • Jim July 15,2012 at 5:09 pm #

      No,seriously.Your mom.

      • Sneha 2月16日,2013点:下午5:19 #

        why does everyone autciatmoally jump to sex?我们的文化最近被搞得一团糟,所有的事情都与性有关,否则就会有一些奇怪/错误。why can't a guy and girl hang out and just have it be about friendship?why should you have to defend that friendship to people who can't mind their own damn business?

    • Father O'Hara September 19,2015 at 3:19 pm #

      My dick is itchy

  12. Anonymous July 24,2012 at 4:51 pm #

    great post – whoever wrote it should write their own book.

  13. August 10,2012 at 11:46 am #

    哦,天哪,这真是太精确了,甚至连我爸爸在电视前昏倒的景象都看不出来。

  14. 科图拉 1月19日,2013 at 1:08 pm #

    OMG!This post actually made me LOL on a packed commuter train,I think heartiste linked me to it.Anyways my 13.5yo son kept asking me what 50 shades of gray was about,so after telling him it's about sex,我无法读完第一章,因为我最终决定让他读这篇评论,因为我的写作风格平淡无奇。He smiled and finished off with a big "ewwwwwwwwwwww that's sooooooooooo disgustingggggggg OMG I can't believe my grandma has read that ewwwwwwwwwww" lol and I'm killing myself laughing again.Yes my mother has read it ( age 67) and amost every single one of my female peers has read it (I'm 46).I'm not against a good sex book or porn,but this book and the sequels I'm sure,are just beyond pathetic.The fact that so many older women are reading them is so fucking hilarious!!My kid said ‘he made her his sex slave'?I told him she agreed to be his sex slave.可怜的孩子不知道“更公平”的性行为的真正本质,but don't worry I'll make sure he has at least a diploma in heartiste as soon as he can read for more than 5 minutes at a time.Anyways Delicious,I wanted to thank you for the laughs and for helping educate the younger generation lol!!Keep on blogging I love reading your blog!

  15. Cricri January 22,2013 at 2:26 pm #

    女人真的是恶心和变态的生物,不是吗?

    • kotoula01 January 26,2013 at 10:35 am #

      Women are scary sometimes.I watched this episode of ‘Brainwashed' where this beautiful blonde petite mormon woman single mother with 3 gorgeous kids met up with this loser at a mormon dance.这个失败者在和她跳舞时设法使她“刺痛”,and managed to convince her he was the new prophet.This went on until he managed to convince her to give up her kids (presumably to her ex thankfully) sell her house (and put the money in losers bank account) and then sleep with other men for money.他说服她搬去SLC的贫民区(为了省钱),到了这个时候,他进了监狱,所以他仍然在拉她的关系。She was finally at the end of her rope (must have been a long rope) and ready to kick this "prophet" to the curb when the loser got his jailhouse buddy to call her and tell her how he saw a halo over loser's head while he was sleeping etc.于是她又一次深信他确实是先知。I was just fscking stunned and so was my husband,那是一个美丽的,presumably religious or pious woman with 3 perfect children could be so convinced by her tingles to follow her ‘feelings' about some random guy telling her he was the prophet that she would throw away her whole life and prostitue herself in the most disgusting and depraved way you could imagine…..her saving grace??The jailhouse buddy of the prophet was released early and was told he could go visit this woman in her hotel room on skid row and have sex with her.He took the offer and after they had sex,他醒来看到了她的孩子们的照片……他说他觉得恶心,决定把整个故事都说出来。He knew the prophet was a fraud,and he felt gulity for his part in the charade.

      Moral of the story for me was that men have better character and more loyalty than women.

      I felt ashamed to be a woman after seeing this show.

      So yes,women can be truly disgusting and perverted creatures…

      • Raichu 2月12日,2015年10:58 #

        你他妈的在开玩笑吧?

        请告诉我你是。I honestly cannot tell.But one woman being naive and dumb does not make all 3.5 billion of us "scary" or stupid.And don't pretend men never fall for women's charms and do really dumb things because they want the pussy.That's an entire literary archetype for fuck's sake!

  16. Rosbifou February 9,2013 at 7:45 am #

    This review is what brought me here.Great stuff – thank you!

  17. Brian Carter 5月15日,2014 at 9:16 am #

    Any reader who liked 50 Shades will LOVE the new novel Starbucks Bitches.它更长,has more depth,更好的角色,better romance,better sex,better everything.It is based in Dallas,德克萨斯州,and is coffee centric.这是网站上的描述http://www.starbucksbitches.com:

    Five very diverse women band together to form an unlikely,but unbreakable circle of friends,合作和策划他们的方式,以更好的关系和更好的生活。When one of them vanishes suspiciously,the others must work together to find her before she disappears forever.

    With a wide range of emotional and complicated relationships that span the highs (and lows) of life,Starbucks Bitches takes the reader on a wild ride that is deeply touching,发人深省,and intensely romantic.

    One of the most erotically charged and overtly sexual novels of the century,Starbucks Bitches is an unprecedented adventure in love,lust,and unconditional friendship.

    • Yuli Ban November 20,2014 at 11:32 am #

      I don't think you're understanding the situation here.Anyone who liked 50 Shades will NOT LOVE Starbucks Bitches *because* it has more depth,更好的角色,better romance,better sex,and better everything.50 Shades is popular precisely because it's nothing more than a shallow BDSM post-Twilight fanfiction.

    • Raichu 2月12日,2015 at 10:59 pm #

      I'm confused.That actually sounds interesting.

      50SoG does not sound interesting.

  18. 史书 August 29,2014 at 12:58 pm #

    I gave this review 10 points until he admitted giving this shitty piece of writing maximum honors.

  19. 神秘主义者 November 2,2014 at 9:26 am #

    Really funny!
    Saw your Okc before,that was too funny!!The CDs and dildo boys mostly seem to like me though I have no idea why..
    I never had any desire to read 50 shades and now I have even less.谢谢,I didn't want to spend the money and the book sounds daft.Okc messages are much more perverted and well amusing,I'm sure.Good you got out tho.
    Shiva

  20. Joshua February 13,2015 at 3:30 am #

    My friend you must become a writer !!

  21. Anonymous February 13,2015年下午12:56 #

    Oh,to see the Google analytics on "Rabbit" and TruValue after this blog was freshly pressed.Well done.

  22. TuffLuv 2月16日,2016 at 10:18 am #

    Ugh..你不能用“妻子”代替“妈妈”吗?

  23. Anonymous May 12,2016 at 9:10 am #

    Is 36 middle-aged?Because I totally masturbated to this book.And the movie.也,I'm someone's mother.And I own a Rabbit.But,I found this post very funny.Even though it made me a little depressed.You're an excellent writer,狗万是不是万博美味佳肴。

  24. 阿德里安 May 20,2018点:下午1点20分 #

    It's amazing to pay a quick visit this website and reading the
    views of all mates on the topic of this paragraph,同时我也热衷于
    experience.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. National Novel Writing Month « 狗万是不是万博delicioustacos-May 9,2012

    […] in France.  In America,the books that become a sensation are– I mean,the latest one is a piece of TWILIGHT fan fiction where Edward is a billionaire "industrialist" instead of an ordinary high school […]

  2. 50种灰色-July 31,2012

    […] […]

  3. Reader Mail Sac: I Am Insecure about My Vagina « 狗万是不是万博delicioustacos-August 29,2012

    […]拍照、画画等在野外碰到一个,就像你撞上了克里斯蒂安·格雷挂在吧台上的巨大无纹雪花石膏牛肉棒一个惊喜,but never […]

  4. 狗万是不是万博Delicioustacos | Underground Man-November 12,2012

    […] Also,适合戏剧朗读:书评:E.L.的50种灰色。杰姆斯[…]

  5. Make Up To Zero Dollars A Week On Your Computer,Without Leaving Home | 狗万是不是万博delicioustacos-March 28,2013

    […] tell you a secret.Nobody reads this blog.Nobody.Nobody reads anything in life except S & M fantasies about rich corporate overlords and children's literature about vampires not fucking.没有人[…]

  6. These Kids Today | 狗万是不是万博delicioustacos-12月10日,2013

    […] OKCupid date is kinky.The most popular book in the world is bondage porn.There is an entire industry dedicated to literature about being raped by dinosaurs.Women are […]

  7. Getting Started With Biting | The Badger Hut-December 16,2013

    […] make your fraternity big brother blush.He underlines that the most popular book in the world is "bondage porn." (Girls haven't been buying books about trysts with sensitive understanding men since,好,[…]

  8. Smell the Glove | Alpha Is Assumed-December 16,2013

    […] that assertive men like M3 feel somehow abnormal for not wanting to draw blood,女人们在地铁的露天看色情电影。Your neighbors in 1959 may have had an elaborate dungeon in their […]

  9. Why Don't You Write About James Deen | 狗万是不是万博delicioustacos-December 4,2015

    […] was fake and stupid.I threw it away.All topical writing is garbage.Yet I'm thrilled when this gets posted to reddit.有50000人去现场,有50人去真正的大便。

  10. 读者邮箱:成功的博客Delicioustacos狗万是不是万博-November 6,2016

    […] got popular in 2012 when I posted a joke review of Fifty Shades of Grey in the comments of Chateau Heartiste.He tweeted my review.He was part of a network of men's […]

  11. Reader Mailbag: How Do I Get People to Read My Writing | 狗万是不是万博delicioustacos-January 12,2019

    […] dot WordPress dot com and New York Magazine.A few others.心肠有问题。这是50种灰色的评论。It instantly got me an audience.I was posting ever day so it built and […]

答复collapseofman Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account.(Log Out/Change

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account.(Log Out/Change

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account.(Log Out/Change

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account.(Log Out/Change

Connecting to %s

%dbloggers like this: