归档| 2012年1月,

从猫战争回来

31 一月

我回来了的猫战争This is the war that men fight for 20 years, starting at around age 15.  Maybe sooner.  You spend 20 years thinking about nothing but pussy, how to get pussy, I need new pussy, where is there going to be pussy.  You get out there in the trenches and you battle for pussy, you learn about the enemy, you try to take them down.

Now I’m thirty-five and a half and some hormonal switch has been thrown.  Maybe it’s just age, maybe it’s my job crushing it out of me—who knows.  But I no longer give a shit about pussyI’m back from the pussy war.继续阅读

你有没有

31 一月

know someone who owned a ferret? Didn’t they always go out of their way to tell you they were the pet of kings in olden times? Always, really defensively, they would say that.  Like, as if anticipating you saying “this musk-secreting weasel is going to make your house smell like taint,” they hit you with “you know历史,雪貂只能由皇室成员拥有。“好像不知怎的他们皇室成员,拥有这种特殊的黄鼠狼或者,有些热辣的女孩会从16世纪的波希米亚及时运到他们的公寓里,看到雪貂,然后开始吹它们,因为它们一定是国王。

Also: have you ever known someone that had a ferret, and then you saw them again two years later, and they still had a ferret?  No.  Never.

保护:同性恋者

三十 一月

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受保护:OKCupid:胖子

29日 一月

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28 一月

球都是自然界最伟大的错误。

你的心,举例来说,显然是一个重要的器官那么自然它位于肌肉和骨骼的墙后面,位于中心位置,可以通过重力完成大部分工作同样的,你的胃在背后你的腹肌,这将是一个真正的他妈的琐事剔骨你和把它弄出来加上你腹部的所有运动都有助于蠕动这是伟大的工程。

请注意,这些东西都没有悬挂在肠道的一侧,形成一层薄薄的膜状物覆盖着长毛毛,富含神经末梢,用你的小指轻弹它感觉就像一支充满岩盐的霰弹枪近距离喷射到你身上这两个东西挂在一个可怕的皱巴巴的小袋,任何人都可以轻拍并将丧失你几个小时大脑不是晃来晃去的6英寸的身体在一个炎热的一天,在宽松的裤子你可以抓住它的咖啡桌子角上的感觉没有几秒钟,直到突然一波又一波的恶心痛苦燃烧洗穿过你的直觉,你可以什么都不做但谎言蜷缩在地板上呻吟几分钟,直到它走了为什么他妈的一个螺母存在?继续阅读

早泄

27 一月

Michel Houellebecq曾经说过“男人生活中有两个阶段:第一个是他来得太快,第二个是他不能再努力了。”

这是接近真相,但现实是更像你总是在一个或另一个阶段在你生活中的所有阶段I am thirty five and a half years old and I STILL feel like I’m going to blow the second I get in the pussy.  Or I’m too drunk and I can’t get wood at all; you have to come out and tell the chick she has to suck you off to get you hard and this is not a proposition that your average first date off OKCupid smiles on, you know.  Sucking off some drunk’s musty whiskey dick.  Really the only way you’re going to get laid on the first date, unless you really have a live one on your hands, is to masterfully eat her pussy for a good five minutes and then just vault up on top of her and put your dick in smoothly任何的行动是要杀了它。继续阅读

作为一个痛苦的人,

26 一月

“希望”的概念仍然是可能的,但它是希望在负面的希望有所作为发生,比如买一辆汽车事故或疾病或你爱的人有一个汽车事故或疾病Hope that the toilet doesn’t break.  Hope that you don’t lose your job, even though you hate it.  Hope that that thing on your dick doesn’t turn out to be what you fear it might be.  Or if you’re a chick, hope that the guy you slept with after six glasses of inexpensive pinot noir didn’t fire that first drop inside you and that instead the reason your period is four days late because of some vitamin deficiency.  Like, it would have happened on time if you had eaten more spinach or chicken is what it is, not that you are now carrying the seed of a guy with visible pores in his nose and why does he keep such long stubble even though his beard is grossly sparse and patchy, and his hideous long nipple hairs… Hope that you didn’t leave the stove on, as you suddenly and vividly suspect you might have at 9:15AM in the office and you are going to be at work until 7 and that greasy pot holder was laying close enough to the burner you boil your coffee on that the air will be so hot that the potholder will certainly catch flame; you picture your cat trapped screaming in the smoking house roasting alive and the upstairs neighbors horribly disfigured, skin grafts from their thighs giving their faces that weird newtlike appearance for the rest of their lives because you left the fucking stove on… hope that that doesn’t happen.  That’s what hope is. 继续阅读